Ruminations on lessons learned and love lost

Last night I went to my friend Fire’s house to hang out in his garage (it was raining… again), drink a few beers, and have one of our many late-night talks. We used to do this back when we both worked at The Light.

Fire and I met at a time in our lives when we both needed a new friend. A new friend with whom we could confide in, explore with, and share all of the wonderful new experiences we were about to embark upon. At first, we were both timid. I was a newbie at The Light, as were both of our bosses, but was charged with showing Fire the ropes. Knowing that I often come off as a bit “strong” (this is a euphemism for any woman who is self-confident) I made sure to couple my teachings with a bit of calmness and selflessness. He responded well and before we knew it we were fast friends.

We became so close, in fact, that he was the one who drove with me to Corn U and helped me settle into my new digs in the twin-college-towns where I would be working at earn my MA. When I think back to those six months prior to arriving at Corn U, I think of Fire. Yes, I had numerous friends whom I knew for longer than a few months, but there was something about Fire.

V once shared with me an adage that her mother passed along to her: “Everyone has something to teach you.” At first, this seemed cliché and I paid it little mind to the lesson. However, over time I have made it one of my meditations to consider when I meet new people, especially when faced with a person (friend, acquaintance, or lover) who at first glance seems to have nothing beneficial to share. Sometimes the lesson reaffirms my understanding of the human condition.

For example, a woman who was in the same grad program as me reminded me that there are people in the world who feel as if they have to lie and fabricate highly exaggerated stories in order to hide their true feelings of pain, insecurity, love, etc. When I first met her, she went out of her way to be my friend, telling me how much we had in common, how we should hang out, and she showered me with complements. I had no problem with her offer of friendship, but was weary of her eagerness. Plus, every time I was around her I sensed negative vibrations. During our first semester, stories were relayed through the gossip chain that she was being plagued by disaster after disaster. Some people went out of their way to help her with the tragedies that she claimed were occurring in her life. Looking back, with insight and the gift of time, we (those of us who were skeptical or learned the truth by witnessing her stories crumble) came to realize that she is a pathological liar. I don’t know why she is the way she is. I don’t know the root of her pain, I can only guess.

Fire was different. My senses told me to inquire and learn more from him. He has taught me more than I could have expected, especially if I were to have judged him on first appearances. He is rough and tends to put up a wall around himself in new situations. I think he does this because just below the surface he has a very big heart. I’ve watch him meet people and see the wall go up. He stands squarely in front of new men with his chest popped out.

Perhaps the only reason his wall fell so quickly in my presence is that we sensed a common pain. I was finished applying to grad schools and awaiting word on my fate. I was also in the final stages of grieving the loss of my mother. I had recently returned from Japan and was dealing with the changes that were occurring in several other relationships as well.

Dreamer and I had been separated for nearly two years by the time I left Japan. She was still in Japan, with her new lover. I was beginning to accept the fact that the pain I felt when we spoke and wrote to each other wasn’t necessarily over the loss of our romantic relationship, but the fear that I would lose her friendship. Of course, it wasn’t until recently that I made this breakthrough in understanding the root of my fear and pain. Then there was Tears.

Tears and I met just before I left for Japan and right after Dreamer told me not to meet her at the top of Mt. Fuji where I planned to cement our future together as partners. Five months had passed since I lost my mother and with the brakes Dreamer put on my plans I felt even more lost in this world. My friends urged me to take a break from renovating my mother’s house and go out for a night on the town. And there she was.

Tears helped take my mind off my pain long enough to get through the day. She even helped me renovate parts of the house that were unfinished before I left for Japan. I was honest with Tears from the beginning. I was to leave for Japan in about five months and there was no way we could carry on a burgeoning relationship under all the stress we would be facing. I was still grieving over my mother and she was working on her degree. In all honesty, I was still hoping that once I arrived in Japan, Dreamer and I would reunite. Dreamer and I did not get back together and in a time of weakness I reached out for support from Tears. She looked after me like a lover, sent me care packages filled with everything from socks to comfort food. Everything seemed to be going well until I visited the States over the Christmas holiday. Tears became infuriated that I made V’s house my home base. She expected that I would be staying at her house (with her elderly, cynical mother). Even though we spent a few nights at a hotel on the river, she wanted more. Instead of telling me this, she acted out her anger. When I was at V’s visiting with my academic godmother, E, she grumbled on the phone about nothing in particular and managed to make our next visit painful. Instead of saying what was on her mind, she expressed it in the most hurtful and confusing ways.

Prior to my returning to Japan to finish my teaching tour we ended the relationship again. While in Japan I focused my energy on other activities and projects. I was looking forward to coming home to my friends and to returning to school. I never expected that returning from Japan, after only one year, would be so difficult. My first month was spent recovering from jet lag and culture shock. My favorite burger practically put me in a meat-induced coma for several days. In this time of weakness and confusion, I let Tears back into my life. I explained to her that a “conventional” relationship was out of the question. We had already failed too many times to invest our energy in another terminal relationship. I was going to grad school in about a year. And, I knew deep down in my heart that she wasn’t the one for me. I had already experienced her mood swings, her unreasonable demands, and her selfish desire to make me be someone who fit her picture-perfect, ideal partner. I wasn’t in a position to make compromises. Within a few months it was over, again. I needed a change so I moved into town, got a job at The Light, and began anew.

Of all the lessons that Tears has taught me, I can’t seem to learn to stay away from her. What is it about this woman? Why is it that when I am at a low point in my life, she appears? These are the questions my friends keep asking me, even when Tears is nowhere in sight. This Christmas we hooked up again. And, sure enough, it was a disaster in the end. I was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as a result of the bitter cold of the upper-Midwest and still unsure about my decision not to apply to the Ph.D. program.

I met Tears right after I returned home a few weeks ago to watch the Spurs game at her house. After watching our second game together she picked a fight with me about something she knew I felt strongly about (a public controversy). I explained that I didn’t want to get into to it at one o’clock in the morning (it was a late game) and she claimed that I always walk away from “deep” conversations with her. We didn’t speak for weeks.

She called a few days ago and invited me out for some 4th of July festivities. I ignored her voicemail. She called again yesterday. I ignored the call. On my way over to Fire’s house I called her back to tell her I already had plans (knowing that if I answered the phone while I was kicking back at my house I would be temped by an offer to hang out). She sounded excited at first when she answered the phone and then went into her “poor me” tone when I explained that I wasn’t going to meet her. I don’t plan to speak to her again.

Fire asked me a few weeks ago why I keep letting her creep back into my life. I explained that it is my nature to forgive easily and search for people’s potential and overlook their faults. I care very much for Tears. I worry about her. I know the roots of her pain. However, I know that I can’t help her heal. No matter how hard I try, she doesn’t take the steps she needs to recover. There are numerous stories of pain, anger, and rage I could share about Tears where I am the victim. I’m closing that door. She is a cancer in my life and I have to let go of the guilt I feel. I wasn’t perfect during our relationship. I said and did things that were not healthy and not fully truthful, but we all do these things when we are in love with someone we know is not good for us. I can’t take back my mistakes and she can’t take back hers.

Talking with Fire helps. He forces me to search for the truth. He doesn’t let me rest on my faulty logic. Love and logic rarely pair well together, but Fire asks that I try to make them work. I shared with him a claim that V made about me several years ago after I left Trouble. V said that I am attracted to women who want to hurt me. When she told me this I was filled with fear. I didn’t want to be that person. It stuck with me.

Trouble was my first passionate love affair. We were together for a little over a year, but our relationship was fractured by breakups. We met online in 1998, right after I started using email and surfing the Web. I had already had my first “girlfriend,” first kiss, and first breakup. A friend introduced me to my first girlfriend and after that relationship ended I didn’t know how to go about meeting other lesbians. I had heard about meeting women online and decided to give it a try. Of all the women who replied to my ad, Trouble seemed the most promising. She was a bit older than me, she had a college degree, and she had a steady job. After talking on the phone a few times, we met at a neutral location to get a feel for one other. Soon, we were seeing each other on a regular basis.

Trouble was amazing in bed, especially considering my first girlfriend and I were like two blind women. I knew very little about lesbian sex (or sex in general). Trouble was passionate and knowledgeable. However, she had fierce demons that didn’t become apparent until it was too late. We stopped seeing each other around Christmas because her “ex” at the time wanted to give their relationship another shot. I wasn’t too concerned. I was young and easygoing about things, as I am in all new relationships.

In January, Trouble expressed to me that she needed a roommate. I was twenty-two and itching to get out from under my mother’s roof and I jumped on the opportunity. V helped me move into Trouble’s house and all was well for a while. We made a “no fucking” rule. We broke the rule within a few weeks. Trouble and her “ex” did not work things out and Trouble was back on the scene, looking for sex. She met another woman online and invited this person into town, and into our house. I didn’t mind until Trouble left the woman alone at the house while she snuck away to have a few drinks with her friend. Apparently, woman “X” was a wacko and Trouble felt as if she couldn’t send her away on account of the long drive and crappy weather. I called Trouble and demanded that she return and deal with the situation. She did and that night, while woman X slept in Trouble’s bed, Trouble slept in mine. The rest is history.

After one year of torture, I finally escaped from Trouble while she was on a “TDY” (military talk for out-of-town business). I told her in advance that I was leaving. She asked that I stay and I’m sure she doubted that I had the strength to leave, but I did.

Trouble tried to suck me back into her life using her typical methods of persuasion and coercion, but I resisted. She was sick. Just like with her “ex” she broke me down into little pieces and build me into an unstable doll to manipulate at will, not much unlike what the military does to new recruits. She tried to enlist the help of my friends to make me come back to her. Sadly, this worked for a while until they caught on to what she was doing. Whenever I met another woman while we were in the midst of one of our “breakups” she contacted them on her own to either befriend or fuck. The last I heard, one of these women was her new doll. Another one of these women, who helped me move out, ended up feeding Trouble with details of my new life. Sick.

I haven’t shared many details about my ex-girlfriends with Fire until recently. When we first met, we were more concerned with new adventures. Perhaps we are both in a place in our lives when we can look back at our past from a safe distance. I have reconciled my pain of love lost. He has as well. But, we acknowledge that there are times when we need to ruminate. It is natural. It is necessary. I suppose that is what this post is about. There is a need inside of me to seal up loose ends in order to look ahead. I am at a place in my life where I am ready for whatever the future holds for me, both in love and life. I don’t feel like dwelling on the scars that my past has left etched into my heart. They are there, but they have healed. There is no need to go digging into them again. I already know what it feels like to do that over and over. The more I ignore them, the less they hurt. And, like the gash that Trouble left in my heart, I trust that there will be a time when I can reflect on the memories and chuckle.

Again, I feel that it is best to ignore Tears. I have to do what we have both been unable to do. I must walk away and NEVER look back. Some people, no matter how much potential they may hold, will never realize it.

Instead, I look forward to helping other people realize their potential. I am eagerly awaiting word on the position at Utopia High School. I chuckled when I realized that U High is right across the street from where Trouble and I first lived together. It seems fitting.